In the Arms of My Father

This morning I was sitting in the Church at Battle Creek, listening to Pastor Alex Himaya preach. The sermon today was over forgiveness. Lately I've found myself struggling in the area of forgiveness, particularly with my biological father. I lived with him for 16 years, and he was a big drinker and used to be on drugs. A lot of the choices he made effected my life in detrimental ways, and this resulted in large amounts of emotional abuse and pain. This last week has been a huge challenge for me, because my adoptive parents were out of town on a cruise, and my biological father knew that they were gone, and he knows where I live. I was terrified that he was going to show up drunk and try and make me leave with him. While I knew this was illogical, i wasn't thinking logically. So, needless to say I spent the first few nights sleeping in the living room with the tv and all the lights on. finally on the third night I realized that I couldn't live in fear of my father forever. So I started praying. I literally walked around the house speaking aloud to God. I asked Him to deliver me from fear, and His reply was that I needed to speak to my dad. He told me that I didn't need to talk to my father about the past, I didn't need to make more painful memories. I think maybe God wants me to talk to my father to show me that he's only a human, and no human deserves that much fear, no one but God should affect my life that deeply. So today, sitting in church today listening to my pastor tell parents to take their children aside individually and ask for their children's forgiveness for whatever wrongs they've committed, I began to cry, because while my father has hurt me, I've also hurt my eternal father, and He's forgiven me over and over and over and over etc. Now it's my turn, and I have to decide if i'm going to take the gift of forgiveness and pay it forward, or be selfish and harbor bitterness for someone who hurt me. Toward the end of the sermon, I began hoping that Alex would open the alter for prayer. He did. I stood up, my heart pounding, and made my way to the alter, as I began to kneel and made it to the step on the alter, and just fell down balling my eyes out. After the first few seconds, I felt my aunt Dennisa come behind me and begin praying with me. I don't know how long I was on the alter, but the only words I spoke to God were:"Lord, I don't know what to say right now, so You speak." after that I just laid there in my Abba's arms and in my Aunt's arms. God did speak to me after I said that. He told me that I am a son of THE KING, and that's not something to take lightly. He told me that it was going to be a process to forgive some of the deepest hurts that I'm dealing with, but he promised me that He would be there supporting me step by step being my Father.  So this was my week, and I hope that someone else will be able to benefit from my experience.